What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 07:16
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I will be 64.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why do narcissists want to hurt your feelings, even after they discard you?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I waited trembling.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was scared of men, in general
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was 9 years of age.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im still living with it.
What can you do if someone makes a false accusation against you?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
What are the bitter truths of life one should know?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was very sick at this time too.
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She found it foreign!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why do men love to stink/being smelly?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
What is the difference between the Bible and the Qur'an?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Who then, do I blame.?
Put me off passion for life!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
(And it was in our own minds.)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My life is so biszare .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She married twice! .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We were not on the streets..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
This is soul school!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i do to all so called friends.?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I write beautiful poetry .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
It was going to be , some day.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I could never make a relationship work though!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One cannot live in the past .
I have no regrets .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ive learnt so much.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Comes on , in middle age.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
What did i know ?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i lived it daily.
She loved him until the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I never cut or harmed myself..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My family never makes their pension either.
We all went to grammer schools
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I don,t even have a pension.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was seconnd youngest,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I think the readers, may guess!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
When she asked me how she looked .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was in good health!
But it wasn’t much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
All the time i was locked up.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So whats the point in blame.
Would this be the day?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He knew the spot.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I said to her
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Was to survive, this bastard.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why did i forgive my father ?